Find Orlando Family Magazine on Facebook! Follow Orlando Family Magazine on Twitter!

Making Time-Outs Positive

Making-Time-Outs-Positive

When it comes to positive discipline, time-outs play an important and effective role. They should not be used as a “thinking tool” or a punitive reaction to an inappropriate action. Rather, they should be utilized in a positive, proactive way, much like those taken during sports games. A time-out is a chance to pause, regroup, and collect ourselves (for both children and parents). When they are used non-punitively, time-outs teach acceptance and management of strong emotions and can be a very effective discipline tool.

When emotions are running high, we need time to calm down and feel better so that we can “improve our game.” Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Time Out, advocates, “Children do better when they feel better.” Here are some elements to make your child’s time-outs a positive experience:

Talk about feelings.

During quiet, calm moments, talk to your child about times when he’s been really upset. Let him know that everyone gets angry, sad, and frustrated at times, and that it’s okay to feel this way. However, some emotions feel scary and it helps to know what to do when they occur.

Designate a feel-good spot.

Ask for your child’s help in determining a “feel-good” location. It might be in his room or it might be on the couch in the living room. Whether it is a bedroom, bathroom, or a spot in the kitchen, allow your child to choose an area that will be designated as his place to regroup and calm down. Have him create a name for this special spot.

Create a comfort basket.

Find a basket and fill it with items that will help soothe your upset child. Certified Positive Discipline Associate Glenda Montgomery recommends that a comfort basket be placed in the feel-good spot. “If a child has a special toy or stuffed animal that he likes to hold when he’s upset, definitely add it to the comfort basket,” she advises. Some children benefit from a physical outlet, while others prefer an emotional release. Blankets, books, and music are all excellent items for the location, as are lumps of clay to pound, exercise bands to stretch, and squishy balls to squeeze. Older children may like to keep a journal or sketchbook in their basket. Larger areas or a whole room as the feel-good spot can include bigger items such as a punching bag or trampoline. The idea is to fill the area with items to help the child relieve stress and begin to calm down.

Ask for preferences.

Ask in advance if your child would like to go to the feel-good spot by himself or if he’d like you to come along when he gets emotionally overwhelmed and upset. Children have different preferences; some kids may feel “banished” and less secure if they are expected to go alone, while others need to be left alone to decompress. It is important to respect their preferences, and understand that these may change over the years.

Deborah Thompson, mother of three and administrator for an online positive discipline discussion forum, has been using positive discipline for 11 years and finds that she is able to adapt positive time-out techniques for each of her children in various situations.  “I have used the car, a bathroom, even an out-of-the-way spot in the grocery store when I’ve needed to take a cooling-down moment with my child,” she says. Thompson also points out that the most important element of positive time-outs is the focus on reconnection. “Once my children have had some time to cool off, I always make sure I reconnect with them afterwards.” That may be accomplished by a loving, wordless hug, an empathic conversation, or a cooperative activity like playing a board game or cooking together. It’s a gesture that tells your child that it was okay to be mad and that you love him no matter how he feels.

Positive Discipline trainer and author, Arlene Raphael, notes that teaching children to calm down after being in a highly aroused emotional state begins at birth. “Whenever a parent picks up a crying baby with the intent to help calm him, the child experiences a positive time-out,” she says. Holding and comforting an upset child stimulates calm-inducing brain chemicals that help regulate emotions.  As the child grows, he can become a more proactive participant in deciding how a time-out will look and feel.  Parents can ensure that time-outs are truly in their child’s best interest if they ask for input, work together to meet needs, remain flexible, and keep in mind the big picture…that a time-out is an effective tool to help a child feel better so he can do better.