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Family
FEATURE
Y
our daughter’s latest crush has thick black hair and a
brown belt in Aikido. Enamored of his vegetarian lifestyle
and Eastern interests, she’s talking tofu and downloading
anime movies by the gigabyte. You? Not so impressed.
Learning from Love
“Although many parents would like pre-teens to participate in
supervised group activities, school dances, and trips to the mall
or the movies, kids are starting to date earlier than most parents
would like,” says relationship education advocate Lindsay Kriger,
creator of the young women’s romance advice blog
If Only I
Knew
. Tweens are often preoccupied with romance. They may be
infatuated with classmates or obsessed with peers’ partnerships.
Spending time with mixed-sex peer groups exposes kids to
potential love interests and offers opportunities for flirtation. By
ages 16 to 18, 75% of teens report they’ve had a relationship,
dated, or “hooked up” with someone.
“Dating is an opportunity for adolescents to test out different
identities,” says Stephanie Madsen, Ph.D., associate professor
of psychology at McDaniel College in Westminster, MD. One
month your teen may be sporting an athletic persona; the next,
he may be asking to turn your garage into a recording studio. His
clothing choices and personal style may shift to please the latest
would-be girlfriend. For parents, watching kids try on identities
may be like watching bad comedy. Although the characters are
awkward and unbelievable, you just can’t look away.
Relationships are like a mirror: kids see themselves as others
see them and find out how their words and actions draw
others closer or push them away. Tweens and teens also learn
about their values and goals, explore their feelings, and practice
communication and commitment in dating relationships,
explains Los Angeles-based teen life coach Melissa Kahn. “In
some ways, teenage love is the purest, sweetest love of all – the
kind that is about attraction and fun,” says Kahn. But that
doesn’t mean young love is easy.
S
upporting
Adolescent
Romantic
Relationships
By Heidi Smith Luedtke, Ph.D.
Romance is a double-edged sword,” says
Madsen. Being admired and desired
is exhilarating; getting disregarded or
dumped can be crushing.
“Romance is a double-edged sword,” says Madsen. Being admired and
desired is exhilarating; getting disregarded or dumped can be crushing.
First relationships also create a template teens use to understand future
relationships. “Failed relationships can make teens feel inadequate, and
those feelings of unworthiness may be carried around for a long time,” says
Kriger. Parents can help kids learn what is appropriate in a healthy, loving
partnership by taking a consulting role in early romance.
Parenting Pointers
Meeting your daughter’s date at the door with a loaded shotgun or a list
of killer questions would likely do more harm than good. Support healthy
relationship skills development by following these dos and don’ts:
DO Listen & Share.
“Romance can be a fun topic for parents and kids
to bond over,” says Kahn. “Parents can take a listening role to hear what is
on their child’s mind. They can also share their personal experiences with
love, which a lot of kids are curious about.” Ask your child what qualities
she looks for in a potential boyfriend and what she likes to do on a date.
“A teen who has talked through what she wants in a relationship is better
prepared when important choices – like when to end a relationship –
present themselves,” says Kahn. Initiate an ongoing conversation.
DON’T Overemphasize Sex.
“Fewer than half of teens in high school
have had intercourse,” says Kahn, “yet many parents – fearing the worst
– assume their teen is engaged in sexually risky behavior and discourage
ORLANDO FAMILY MAGAZINE
FEBRUARY 2016
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